Shards of my memories
by MelShep
Summary: When Violet Shepard wakes up in a Cerberus lab, she has no memory of who she is or the life she once lived. While working with Cerberus to discover what is happening to the disappearing human colonies, she must also try to put together the pieces of her past. But will she like what she finds? Perhaps her Turian squadmate can help her rebuild her life, or instead, create a new one?
1. Chapter 1

"Shepard. Shepard, wake up!"

My eyes are open, but everything is hazy. I'm lying down. I'm on something hard. I feel cold.

"Get up Shepard!"

 _What is that voice? Who are they speaking to?_

I sit up. My head is spinning, pain sears through my entire body. I place my hand to my temple: trying to stop everything spinning. There are explosions around me. The room shakes.

"You need to get out of the med-lab right now!" It's a woman's voice, but she's not here. The sound is coming from a speaker in the wall. I look around. I am in a white room. It looks like a hospital, or a lab. Did she say a med-lab? The table I am on is made of shiny grey metal. Beside me there is a tray containing a number of metal implements.

"Do you hear me?!" The voice persists. She sounds angry. I realise she is speaking directly to me: there is no one else in here. "Yes," I croak, my voice no more than a whisper.

"You need to get out of there now, they're coming."

"Who are you?" I ask.

"We don't have time for this, get out!"

The urgency in her voice gets me moving. I slide off the table, finding myself incredibly unsteady on my feet. But I manage to get to the door. It opens on its own, and I leave the med-lab.

I'm now in a large waiting room. There is a window on the other side, which covers the whole wall. I gasp. All I can see are stars: this is a ship, or a space station. But why am I here?

"Shepard, you need to keep moving!" The voice is back, but now I need answers.

"Who are you? Why do you keep calling me that?"

There is a pause. "What?"

"Shepard. Why do you keep saying that name?"

"Fuck." The voice sounds angry now. "Don't worry, I'll explain everything when we meet, just follow the path I've programmed into your Omni-tool." As she speaks, the Omni-tool flashes up on my arm, showing me a path through the station, ship, whatever this thing is. I decide to trust her for now, I sure as hell have no idea where to go. Or why I'm here. I stop in my tracks. Or who I am.

I have no idea what my name is.

I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. How can a person wake up with absolutely no knowledge of who they are? I don't know my name, my birthday, even what I look like. And now my heart is racing, and I can hardly breathe. I place my back against the nearest wall and slide down to the floor. The owner of the voice must be watching me, because suddenly she speaks again. "I know it must be confusing, but try not to get overwhelmed. Don't think about anything but getting out of here. I can help you, I promise."

She sounds so certain that I allow myself to believe her. Slowly I get to my feet, and head up the stairs, through another set of doors.

~o~o~o~

I can hear gunfire up ahead, and as I open another door I can see a man not far away. He is firing at some mechs on a platform. "Shepard!" He yells when he sees me.

Is that my name or my title?

I run over, joining him behind some cover. "I heard you were up, didn't quite believe it though. Good to see you're ok." He smiles.

"I wouldn't go that far," I breathe.

He nods, "I know, this is all a little crazy, but I can't tell you how good it is to see you off that table." He has a friendly face.

"Do you know me?" I ask. "Are we friends?"

He looks confused, "Wha-" Gunfire interrupts our conversation. "Tell you what, help me take out these mechs and we can talk. I'll answer any questions you have."

"I don't have a weapon."

He gives me one of his pistols. "Let's go!" He says, standing up. I stand next to him, holding the pistol awkwardly. I try to fire at the two remaining mechs, but miss. The man takes out them both. He looks at me sympathetically. "Sorry," I mutter.

He holds up his hands, "Don't worry about it, if I'd been asleep for as long as you, I'd be a little rusty too." He shakes my hand. "I'm Jacob, Jacob Taylor, head of security here." He looks around, there are several bits of mech surrounding us, and I now realise a dead body in the corner. "This situation right now isn't exactly providing me with a glowing reference."

I'm hardly listening. "You said I've been asleep?" I ask.

He nods. "I'm not sure I should be the one to explain it to you-"

"Please," I beg. "I have no idea what's going on here."

Jacob nods. "Ok then, the basics. You and your crew were on a mission, investigating a Geth transmission not too far from the Veil. You were attacked, and you…well, you were killed."

I don't understand. "What?"

"I know it sounds crazy," Jacob continues. "I can't imagine you remember it. But the important thing is you got spaced. The people I'm with: they found you. Brought you back to life, don't ask me how, that's not my area and honestly I have no clue."

"I don't remember anything," I admit. "Anything."

"About the accident?"

"About me. I don't even know my name."

Jacob looks taken aback. "Well shit."

'Who am I?" I ask.

Jacob runs a hand through his hair. "That's not exactly something I can fit in a short conversation, not while the facility burns around us…"

"Just tell me something, anything," I persist.

Jacob nods. "Of course…Ok. Your name is Commander Violet Shepard. You're a Spectre." He pauses. "You know what that is?"

I nod. "Yes." How do I know that but not my own name?

Jacob continues. "You were a decorated soldier with the Alliance, known for being resilient, and for not taking shit from anybody." He grins, then continues. "You fought a rogue Spectre named Saren, and his army of Geth. You warned the council about the Reapers. They're-"

"Sentient machines who wiped out the Protheans. I remember. Why can I remember that?"

Jacob shakes his head. "I don't know, like I said, this isn't my area. Miranda will be able to explain more, if she's alive. She was in charge of your project."

"A woman was talking to me when I woke up."

Jacob smiles, "That'll be her. I knew she'd make it. Come on, let's get out of here."

~o~o~o~

Jacob leads us through the debris and destruction. On two occasions we have to fight off mechs (I say 'we', when in fact Jacob fights and I simply take cover). On the way to the shuttle bay we meet a Doctor called Wilson. He's less friendly than Jacob, but joins us on our trip through the facility. We are almost out, all we need to do now is get through the cargo hold. Unfortunately, there are a lot of mechs in our way. Jacob, Wilson, and I stand by the open door, and I listen while they argue over what to do next. Jacob wants to sneak round, I get the idea he's worried about me. Wilson wants the direct approach.

"I thought you two were meant to be soldiers," He snorts.

Jacob keeps cool. "I left the Alliance, I'm no soldier, and she's just come back from the dead. I've got one more heat sink in this gun, that's six rounds, then it's gonna be unusable. How do you think we're gonna get through those things?"

"You're a biotic, so's she."

"I'm a biotic?" I ask.

"Yeah," Jacob replies. "Though I wouldn't try using your abilities for a while, we don't know how stable they will be."

"This is just perfect," Wilson mutters. "I get rescued by the great Commander Shepard, and she can't even remember how to tie a fucking shoe lace."

I scowl at him, but say nothing.

"Take it easy," Jacob says, pushing Wilson slightly. "We're getting through this, we just gotta be careful. Come on."

Jacob leads us around the outside of the mechs, towards a door at the far end of the room. I'm starting to think we might make it out of here without them noticing us.

Then Wilson trips.

And he doesn't just trip. He trips, knocks over a pile of crates, and then swears loudly. Every mech in the place suddenly starts shooting at us. Jacob just manages to pull me into some cover. Wilson is safe behind another crate.

"That stupid idiot," Jacob groans. He stands up and fires at some mechs, pulling another two into the air with his biotics and slamming them onto the ground.

I still have the gun he gave me earlier. I stand up, preparing to shoot. "Get down Shepard!" Jacob says. He's trying to keep me safe, but he needs help, there are too many! I fire off some shots.

All of them miss.

I cry out, exasperated. Suddenly there's an explosion. I pull Jacob down behind the crate just in time. The whole facility shakes. Then silence. Slowly we raise our heads up. A gas canister seems to have exploded, taking out all the mechs. "Wilson!" Jacob yells. Wilson gets up from behind his crate, he's ok. "You do that?" Jacob asks. Wilson shakes his head.

"I did." I turn around. Standing not too far away is a tall woman with shoulder length black hair. She's wearing a white bodysuit, tight to her skin. "Miranda!" Jacob sounds delighted to see her. But she doesn't look happy, in fact, she looks positively furious. She raises her gun.

"Wait!" I cry.

Too late. She shoots Wilson once in the head. He falls to the floor.

"Miranda, what the hell?" Jacob asks.

"This was him. He's the one who betrayed us, sabotaged the facility."

"You're sure?" Jacob asks.

Miranda looks at him. "When have I ever been wrong?" She asks.

Apparently this answer is good enough for Jacob, because he simply nods.

"Come on," Miranda instructs, before turning around and heading back through the door she came through. Jacob follows. There's another explosion not too far away, it shakes the facility.

I follow the pair of them, it's not like I have a choice.

~o~o~o~

"What do you remember?" Miranda asks. Not for the first time.

"I don't know," I repeat, exasperated, looking out the window of the shuttle. We've been travelling for several hours, and I feel like the conversation has just gone around in circles.. What kind of a question did she think she was asking me? By asking what I do remember, I need to have some idea of what I don't remember, and I have no clue.

"Tell me something about yourself," she specifies.

I shrug, why is this so hard? "I can only tell you what Jacob told me," I say finally. "That my name is Violet Shepard, that I'm a Spectre. That I fought a rogue Spectre called Saren and his Geth army, and I warned the council about the Reapers." I pause. "And I died."

"But you don't remember any of it?" Miranda persists. I shake my head.

"No. I know what a Spectre is, and what the Reapers are. I know about the council, I could even tell you their names, but I couldn't even remember my own. How is that possible?"

For the first time since I met her, Miranda looks unsure. "Honestly, I don't know. We'll find out when we get where we're going."

"Where is that?"

"One of our many stations in this sector. Cerberus has a number of bases spread throughout the different star systems."

"Cerberus?" That name is familiar. Though I can't put my finger on it, I know I have negative memories linked to that organisation, I can feel it.

"That's right," Miranda says. I can see she is reading my face, trying to see what my thoughts are on Cerberus. I try to seem nonchalant. Until I know more about this group, and the two people I sit in the shuttle with, I decide to keep my feelings to myself.

~o~o~o~

When we arrive at the base I am immediately taken away for tests. At first I resist: the last thing I want to do is find myself waking up on another table, but I am reassured that it will simply be a scan, and I will be awake the whole time. Miranda tells me that this will help them to understand more about why I can remember nothing about myself, and so I begrudgingly allow them to take me away.

A few hours later I am standing in a small room alone, told by Miranda that I will be meeting the 'Illusive Man', who will answer my questions. I look at the door expectantly, but when I hear a man's voice, it is coming from behind me.

I spin around. There is a holographic projection of a man in his late forties to early fifties only a few feet away. He sits on a chair and smokes a cigarette. He is looking at me with great interest.

"Good to finally meet you Shepard," he says at last.

"Illusive Man?" I ask.

He nods. "You've heard of me? That's promising, Miranda tells me you're having some problems with your memories."

I shake my head. "I know your name because Miranda told me. I don't know anything about you, or your organisation. Only that there's something wrong with it."

He doesn't look surprised, but asks, "How so?"

"I don't know," I admit. "But something doesn't feel right."

The Illusive Man doesn't press this point any further, just picks up a file on the edge of his chair. "Miranda sent me the results of your tests. It seems there was a complication when we brought you back. We're not sure yet how it happened, but your entire sense of self: your memories, friendships, accomplishments, they've all been wiped clear out of your mind."

"Like amnesia?" I ask.

"That would possibly be over-simplifying," he replies, flicking through the paperwork. "But if you like…" He takes another drag of his cigarette, putting the paperwork back. "We're just lucky you remember enough about the Reapers, about what you're fighting for."

"But I have no idea who I am!" I interrupt, suddenly frustrated. "I'm not a soldier anymore, if I ever was one…I have no idea. I can't fight, I wouldn't know where to start. How could I be any good to you?"

"A reputation is a powerful thing Shepard," the Illusive man continues. "You may not remember who you are, but others do, and that makes them want to follow you. More followers mean more power, more strength against the Reapers."

"What good am I to you?" I ask, deflated. "Will I ever remember who I was? Or what I could do?"

"It's possible," The Illusive Man suggests. "But the best chance of that happening is with you back out there, doing what you di…what you do best." He opens his Omni-Tool. "I've put a team together, some of the most skilled people in the galaxy. They're all waiting for you. All you have to do is recruit them."

"Surely I had a team before?" I ask. "Wouldn't it be easier to bring them? Maybe they could help me remember myself?"

The Illusive Man shakes his head. "Most of them are doing other things now, or completely off the grid. No, better to start new, and these are the ones best suited to protecting these Human colonies."

"Human colonies?"

"That's your mission. Human colonies are getting attacked: with their whole populations disappearing with no warning or evidence. We're sure the Reapers are involved somehow, and we're going to do everything we can to stop it happening any more." He leans forward in his chair.

"I'm sending you to Freedom's Progress. The most recent colony to suffer this fate. Go there, look for survivors, but your primary mission is to find out what the Hell happened down there."

Before I can ask any questions the holographic projection disappears, and I am alone once more in the small room.

I take a breath, and consider my options. Either I go to this colony, try to find out what happened, and maybe begin the monumental task of trying to piece the fragments of my life back together…Or I stay here. Do nothing. Wallow in my confusion and misery.

Perhaps it's time for some fresh air.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone who has read or followed the story so far, and to** **BloodOfMyLove for the kind review. Hope you all like the new chapter. I'm picturing Violet Shepard as looking like Mary Elizabeth Winstead in '10 Cloverfield Lane', so that's where I'm kind of going with the description, but obviously use your own imagination if you see her differently!**

* * *

Brown hair.

I have brown hair.

I look at myself in the mirror, in the bathroom of the Cerberus facility. We are going to leave in ten minutes, and I should be taking the time to practice moving around in my armor, maybe take a look at the guns and see if there's anywhere I can fire some practice shots.

But instead I stand here, staring at this stranger in the mirror, trying to find some sense of self. I hoped once I saw my reflection I'd think: "Yep, that's me." But no, it may as well have been a stranger.

So I give myself two minutes to try and absorb my reflection: try to feel a sense of ownership over what I look like.

I have brown hair. It sits just above my shoulders and falls in gentle waves.

I have brown eyes.

I have a small scar on my forehead.

I am quite pale.

There is a knock at the door. I hear Miranda's voice. "Commander Shepard, are you ready to go?"

"Give me a sec," I reply, hastily tying my hair up. My throat is dry, my stomach feels like it will never stop churning, my palms are sweaty.

What the hell am I doing?

I take a deep breath. _One thing at a time,_ I think. _All I need to do for now is get on the shuttle. I can do that._

I step out of the bathroom. Miranda looks at me uncertainly. "Ok?" She asks expectantly.

I nod. What else can I say? _Actually no, I'm terrified, I feel sick, and I'm pretty sure any attempt on my part to fire a gun will end up with either you or Jacob gaining a gunshot wound_.

But of course, I don't say any of this, I just nod like I know what I'm doing, and follow Miranda to the shuttle. Jacob is waiting inside, with another man I don't recognize. He doesn't introduce himself, but he's carrying a lot of firepower.

"Just in case," Jacob says when he sees my face. I feel the shuttle rumble to life.

"I thought this place was meant to be deserted," I question, looking again at the numerous weapons the man carries.

"It is," Jacob shrugs, "But just in case."

"We can't be sure you'll be able to defend yourself," Miranda clarifies.

Jacob rolls his eyes, "Tactful," I hear him mutter.

I can't get offended, I know she's right. I certainly can't bring myself to believe the idea that I'm this incredible soldier who saved all these people and fought in hundreds of battles. I hold the pistol in my hand clumsily. It feels so heavy.

"When this mission is over, we'll go to the range," Jacob says, reading my mind. "I bet it won't take long to get your sights back."

I'm not so sure, but I appreciate the thought.

~o~o~o~

Freedom's Progress is a ghost town. Jacob, Miranda, and the other man (who I find out is called Jackson) step out of the shuttle first, and I follow behind. The colony is silent. No movement, no sound, no people.

We make our way through the colony with relative ease. No clues as to where everyone went.

"It looks like they all just got up and left in the middle of dinner," I mutter as we walk through a communal kitchen.

Jacob nods, still keeping his gun up. Just as I am about to ask whether this is really necessary, there's a noise from the door behind us. Jacob holds up his hand, and Jackson steps in front of me. Another noise.

Jacob and Miranda are on either side of the door now. She nods at him.

Jacob opens the door.

A cat runs out of the closet.

The movement is so quick that Jacob lets out a little squeal as the fluffy ginger creature runs over his feet. I can't help but laugh as it streaks away. Jacob smiles, "I guess I'm not a cat person." I'm sure a smile plays on Miranda's lips, but it disappears as quickly as it came.

Jackson rolls his eyes. "Come on." He punches in a code to the exit, a door to the left..

And gets his head blown off.

It's a headshot. Blood splatters the wall and my face as his body drops to the floor. It's warm. Miranda immediately pulls me out of the way as more shots fire through the door. I feel numb, but I can't stop shaking. My eyes are on the remains of Jackson's face. There's a hole where his right eye used to me. It looks like he's smiling.

Jacob and Miranda are firing out of the door, and I feel myself sliding to the floor. I put my head in my hands.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

It's so noisy, I can't bear it! _Why did I think I could do this? I can't!_

I'm vaguely aware the shooting has stopped. Miranda is talking to me, but her words make no sense. I can't stop looking at Jackson's body. Why is he smiling?

Jacob squats down in front of me. He puts a hand on my shoulder, and suddenly his voice cuts through the fog in my head. "Shepard, you're ok."

I look at him, and he takes a cloth from the counter beside him to wipe some of the blood from my face.

"You're ok," he repeats.

I shake my head, no.

But he's nodding. "You can do this. You've done this for years. It'll get easier, I promise."

He holds out his hand to help me up, and all I can do is take it.

~o~o~o~

We continue on through the abandoned colony, having to stop every now and then to fight mechs who appear as if from nowhere. I say 'we', but in reality I do nothing other than hide behind cover while the others watch my back. I am already planning what I will say to the Illusive Man when we get back to his base: that he made a mistake, they brought the wrong person back to life, whoever I supposedly was before, she's gone now. They'd be better to get someone else, or just let Miranda and Jacob do it on their own. They're both more than capable.

We enter another building, and Miranda and Jacob immediately raise their weapons.

"Wait! Don't shoot!" There are three Quarians standing up looking at us now, and another on the floor. It looks like they were trying to patch a hole in his suit.

"Who are you?" Miranda asks, not lowering her gun. She and Jacob have me shielded, so I can hardly see.

"We're here to rescue a friend of ours." Says a female voice. "He came here on his pilgrimage. His name is….wait...Shepard?"

Miranda and Jacob both look at me, as the female Quarian addresses me personally. "Shepard?" She repeats. "I thought….I thought you were dead!" Suddenly her arms are around me, squeezing me in the tightest hug I've ever had…or can remember anyway. She must notice how stiffly I hold myself, because she slowly releases me and steps back.

"Are you ok?" She asks.

"I…" I don't know what to say. Luckily, Miranda continues to be the queen of tact, and she speaks for me. "She doesn't remember who she is, or any of her friends. She doesn't know you."

The Quarian turns and has her gun in Miranda's face before she or Jacob can even react. "What have you done to her?!" She asks. "Who are you?"

"Calm down," Jacob says, lowering his weapon and raising his other hand. "We're with Cerberus, we bought her ba-""

"Cerberus?!" The Quarian hisses. She sounds furious, and I feel like something bad is about to happen. Though I don't know her, I can tell she'll listen to me.

"It's ok," I say, putting my hand on the Quarian's shoulder gently. "They brought me back. They saved me."

The Quarian turns to face me. Her voice is sad, and she touches my face with her gloved hand. "I can't believe it's you."

"I'm sorry." And I mean it, I wish I could remember her.

The Quarian nods, "My name is Tali. You recruited me two years ago to help you fight Saren and the Geth. When you…died. I rejoined the Flotilla. If I'd have known…" She trails off.

"Why are you here?" I ask, not wanting to talk about my brief stint of being dead.

"Our friend, Veetor, came here on his pilgrimage. When we heard about the colony, we had to come and check if he was alright-"

"We can't trust them Tali Zorah," a male Quarian interrupts from behind her. "They're Cerberus."

"We can trust Shepard," Tali insists.

"She doesn't even know who she is."

"We can trust Shepard," Tali repeats, much more sternly, and that seems to be the end of it. She continues, looking at me again. "We think it was Veetor who hacked the mechs, getting them to attack anyone on sight."

"What makes you think he's still here?" I ask. "Everyone else is gone."

"We weren't sure until we landed, but now we're here we can pick up readings from the tracker on his suit: he's definitely here, and close too."

"So what's the problem?" Miranda asks.

"That," Tali replies, pointing towards a window on the other side of the room. Miranda, Jacob, and I go over. Just in sight, slightly hidden behind some crates, is a large YMIR Mech.

"It took out most of my squad," Tali continues. "We're the only ones left."

"Veetor is in the building behind it," one of the male Quarians adds. "We just can't get to him."

"If he's been here the whole time, he will be able to tell us what happened," Miranda mutters to Jacob and I. "We have to get him."

"I'm coming with you," Tali says, and I can tell from her tone that she doesn't trust whatever it is that Miranda wants with this Veetor.

"No," Miranda replies. "You stay here, look after your wounded." She pauses. "Shepard will stay with you."

Tali seems a little surprised by the fact that I'm staying, then agrees. Miranda and Jacob slip out of a side door, and soon I can here gunfire from outside. I move away from the window, feeling absolutely useless. Tali comes closer, so that none of her squad can hear us.

"Why did they leave you behind?" She asks, and though I don't remember her, her voice carries so much emotion, is so full of friendship, that I can't help but tell her everything. That I not only have no memory of who she is, or who I am, but also no memory of any combat training. "I nearly passed out when I saw a guy die earlier," I say.

"Who was it?"

"You didn't know him," I reply, then pause. "At least, I don't think you did. I have no idea. He was Cerberus."

She puts a hand on my shoulder, and I get the feeling she is about to say something important, when I hear a scream. I run for the window. Miranda is on the floor, with her leg at a strange angle. Jacob is beside her now, trying to pull her out of the mech's line of fire. But I can see he won't get them out of the way in time.

And right then it's like I am no longer in charge of my actions. I grab a gun and am out of the door before I even know what's going on.

I have no plan.


End file.
